Whatever You Do, Don’t Go Camping
Have you ever announced to your friends/family/coworkers that you were going camping, and were met with a look of puzzlement and the all-but-tactful, “But why?” response? They’re right. Camping isn’t a vacation, it’s hard work. It requires effort. And not to mention–nature is really, really dirty. So here’s why you should avoid the outdoors at all costs:
Pitching a tent—You mean I have to build my own lodging? With poles that come attached to one another and are color-coordinated? You mean it takes five whole minutes to do this? Forget it.
Cooking dinner—Seriously, there are no bears on roller skates serving steak tartare on a silver platter? There is no way on this Earth that I am about to find, then boil my own water to add to what basically looks and tastes like astronaut food on my vacation. Where are the five-star dining options?
Relaxing—I refuse to risk my life climbing into a hammock to sway gently in the breeze while I nap without a care in the world. Who knows what’s out there in the woods at night? Bigfoot, Chupacabra, the Jersey Devil, spiders… I might as well pour chicken broth all over my body, then fall asleep in a cage with a tiger and hope he’s not very hungry.
Exercising—Where’s my crowded gym with florescent lights and rows of judging eyeballs? I NEED TO GET ON MY ELLIPTICAL! What is this dirt and rocks and roots business?
Breathing—Fresh mountain air? No truck exhaust in my lungs? Sounds too environmenty. Thanks, but no thanks.
Sightseeing—How am I supposed to enjoy my surroundings without iPhones in the air, Instagram filters, heads blocking the way, elbows in my ribs, and the incessant beeping of digital cameras? Sorry, I’m dependent on my electronics for pretty much everything. My iPhone can even remind me when I need to breath and drink water and stuff. And what do you mean I have to use the sun to charge my iPhone? My cord won’t reach that far!
Let me let you in on a little secret, folks. Camping isn’t hard. Quite the opposite, in fact. Chances are, you knew that already. Camping is an escape from the real world and all the distractions and problems that come with it. And it’s wonderful.
But do us all a favor and don’t share this secret with the non-believers, the ones who would prefer to sit in a five-star resort in Anywhere, USA. Let’s keep the wild to ourselves.